Ask Katie

Katie,

My grandmother just died, and my mother is writing her obituary. Aside from the standard survivor list and funeral information, my mother has written a whole paragraph basically describing Grandma as a "wonderful, loving soul who will be greatly missed by her family."

The problem is, my grandmother was a nasty old woman who spent her entire life verbally (and in some cases physically) abusing nearly everyone she knew. I have zero fond memories of her, and I will certainly not miss her. Every relative I've spoken to feels the same, and, in fact, many are not attending the funeral because of it.

My mother always tries to see the best in people and give them the benefit of the doubt, so I'm not surprised that she's choosing to remember her mother through rose-colored glasses. But the rest of us feel that the flattering (and very fictional) account of Grandma should be omitted from the obituary. Mom says that would be disrespecting the dead. What do you say?

Allen in Pewaukee

Allen,

What I say might not even matter, as the obituary is likely published by now. But even if it weren't, even if there were time to revise it before sending it off for public review, I would still say the same thing: Get over it.

Your grandmother is dead. Her lifetime of doling out abuse is over, yet you are still allowing her to get under your skin. Let it go. Most people who read her obituary will know what she was really like, and the biggest reaction you can expect is a prolonged eye roll. No one's going to beat down your door and accuse your family of libel.

Boycott the funeral in protest if you want, but let your mother grieve in her own way. And open yourself up to the possibility that maybe, just maybe, she has good reasons to remember her mother the way she does. Perhaps they were closer than you can comprehend beyond your own biased perspective.

Katie,

My elderly aunt is in the hospital and can no longer speak for herself. Her daughters are fighting with each other about who should be in charge of her health, even though she previously chose one of them to serve as her power of attorney. Now they have me involved to mediate, but I don't know what to do.

Anne in Waukesha

Anne,

It's amazing how some siblings never grow out of the rivalry stage of childhood, especially when a conflict revolves around something more substantial than borrowed clothing or bathroom hogging. Your aunt is not a coveted sweater, and it's appalling that her children are treating her as such.

Unless she suffers from mental deficiency, your aunt probably selected her power of attorney for good reasons (the least immature of the bunch, perhaps?). Even if she chose for bad reasons, they are her reasons and she is entitled to them.